“On the evening of February 27th of this year, I was texting with my younger sister Sarah for a little while, then I watched a movie and went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, Sarah was gone to suicide.
Sarah and I hadn’t been the best of friends when we were kids. She and my little brother had been like twins, and I was the bossy older sister they were always trying to get away from. But, as we grew into adulthood, Sarah and I became so close. We were each other’s supports. Sarah was so loving, so funny, so insightful, so fearless, and she always had the best advice. But she also battled constantly with severe depression and addiction.
When she was sober, focused, and working out, she was one of the wisest, kindest, and strongest people you’d ever meet. But, when she was unhealthy, she would start to spiral into a deep, dark hole. When that happened, all of the best parts of Sarah just disappeared. It was like she wasn’t there.
When the pandemic came and brought such deep isolation with it, it was obviously very hard on those struggling with mental illness. I do think the system failed Sarah by not making the resources available to help her climb out of that hole. In the months since she passed, I’ve been struggling with my own mental health. I’ve been trying to discover ways to live with the grief and the guilt I feel. I’m fortunate to have the time and the resources to devote to recovery and, even still, it’s incredible how expensive, difficult, and time-consuming it is to heal yourself.
When I was feeling the most oppressive guilt, blaming myself for Sarah’s death and thinking of all the things I could have done differently, I imagined what Sarah would say to me. She would say that she was her own adult and that she made her own choices, and she’d be outraged that I was trying to take responsibility for them. And that has been the crux of my own recovery, this idea that choosing who I’m going to be—after the worst thing imaginable has happened—is entirely on me. But just because you have to do it for yourself shouldn’t mean you have to do it alone.”
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