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Sarah DiMuro | @sarahdimurowrites
As relieved as I was when I awoke from my double mastectomy, there was no doubt the body I was now living in felt very different. My perky nipples were no more and it would be hard to ignore the surgical wounds running down the middle of my breasts. The cuts would heal but the scars would always remain. I was very fortunate that along this journey I had the support of my husband, who never made me feel anything less than beautiful with my uneven reconstructed chest.
Right after my surgery, I remember speaking with a family friend, an older woman, who recounted that when her close friend had breast cancer surgery, her then husband was no longer attracted to her and ended their marriage. I couldn’t even imagine. And what about dating after cancer? It’s hard enough going through treatment for a terrifying disease and dealing with changes to your body, but then meeting someone new and, oh god, intimacy? I had a dating column in my late 20s and most of those dates, while very entertaining, didn’t end in a match.
Dating is daunting enough — imagine the added pressure I would have felt had I been a young cancer survivor going on these mediocre (at best) dates. As confident as I am now in my post-surgery body, anyone would be overwhelmed jumping back into the dating scene after a cancer diagnosis. I reached out to two experts who offered some guidance for navigating romantic relationships after cancer.
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to dating post-diagnosis
According to Brittany Pinto, a psychotherapist at Boutique Psychotherapy who also works with Mount Sinai Hospital’s Woman to Woman program in New York City, providing mental health treatment to women impacted by gynecologic and female-related cancers, “Each person’s journey with cancer is profoundly unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to dating post-diagnosis.”
Pinto says that no matter your relationship status or where you are in your treatment, finding your support network is critical. Hearing from fellow patients and survivors will offer “valuable insight and a sense of community,” she says. Pinto advises women getting back into the dating scene to “consider how they want to share their story.” Whether you choose to disclose your diagnosis on date one or date 15, Pinto says “there’s no right or wrong approach and it ultimately depends on the individual’s comfort level and preferences.”
In terms of intimacy, Pinto stresses communication. “It’s important for individuals to reflect on their own perspectives regarding sex and intimacy and to communicate these with their partner,” she says. She reminds her patients that it’s alright to take things slowly and to ask for what they need and want, and, most importantly, to “treat themselves gently as they navigate this new chapter.”
It helps to remind yourself that what you’ve been through is an asset
Suzannah Weiss, relationship coach and resident sexologist for the pleasure brand Biird, says that surviving a chronic illness can change your perspective on life as well as provide you with “a lot of depth and wisdom, as you’ve experienced hardship and found the strength to get through it.” She suggests reframing your perspective and says that “it helps to remind yourself that what you’ve been through is an asset.” But Weiss recognizes that there may be challenges in finding someone who appreciates and values all you’ve gone through. Be patient, “ask them questions about experiences that have shaped them, and open up about your own journey as much as you’re comfortable with,” she advises. Weiss says that it’s so important to remember that “everyone comes with risks and baggage, not just you; you aren’t broken.”
Don’t settle due to insecurity
The issue of body image is a big one post-cancer. Perhaps you had a mastectomy or your hair is still growing back after treatment. Weiss says to always remember that you “have the same sparkle and sexiness you did [before], because that comes from the inside.” She also cautions those jumping back into dating to trust their instincts. “Don’t settle due to insecurity,” she says. “Listen to your heart and body and pay attention to who you feel drawn to.”
Weiss says for some people, it might be easier to immediately address the “elephant in the room.” If you’re in this constant state of dread about when to mention your past diagnosis, “you might consider writing on your online profile that you’re a cancer survivor so that the proverbial ice is broken,” she says. Despite any hesitations you may have about being so forthcoming, Weiss assures “this won’t sabotage your chances of getting matches; some people may actually be more likely to swipe right.” With all the superficial profiles out there, “an admission like this shows both that you have depth and that you have the strength to be vulnerable,” she says. And who wouldn’t want to date an awesome person like that?
Whatever health issues you’ve tackled or are currently managing, it’s important to remember that you always deserve the best. Your body may have scars and marks but you’re perfect just the way you are. There were moments post-treatment where I stood naked in front of the mirror and couldn’t believe all that my body had gone through — double mastectomy, reconstruction, and chemical menopause — and felt this wave of pride. I made it through and am so much stronger for it. Sure, I’m glad my husband loves my body, but what’s more important is that I love my body — stronger than ever, ready to face whatever challenges life throws at it.
Sarah DiMuro is a health and lifestyle writer in Toronto. Follow her at @sarahdimurowrites.
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