“When I was first diagnosed with stage 2B breast cancer, I was a little surprised the movie of my life didn’t immediately scene transition into a montage of bravery and sisterhood. I was expecting pink and pretty and inspiring. What I got was messy and painful and exhausting. Where was the choreographed dance number full of happy people in rose-tinted designer clothes twirling all around me? It felt like I was doing breast cancer wrong.
“Cancer is no heroic journey, and positivity isn’t a cure for anything.”
I turned to books to help me understand the realities of breast cancer, but all the books I found were either ‘here’s a detailed medical breakdown of what’s going on’ or ‘here’s how cancer turned me into a hero.’ Finally, I realized I was going to have to write my own.
I lead a complicated life. Part of my life was teaching. Part of my life is cancer. Part of my life is family and friends. And a big part of my life is fashion and art. Sometimes these things intersect in beautiful ways, and sometimes they step all over each other. I wrote Not in the Pink because I wanted to talk about the real experience I was having. Cancer is no heroic journey, and positivity isn’t a cure for anything.
The year after my book was published, I was diagnosed with breast cancer again, on the other side. As if I still needed to be reminded that I wasn’t living a triumphant storybook arc. My doctors were able to remove this new lump with surgery and radiation, but I knew deep inside this was just going to keep happening. And so, in 2019, I made the decision to have both my breasts removed, without reconstruction.
The loss of my breasts and my hair — which never grew back after chemo — forced me to rebuild my concept of femininity from the ground up. Society tells us that it’s our breasts and our long hair that make us women. Today, I lean hard into my fashion and art background to show the world that it’s not so.
I may be flat, I may be bald, but damn can I rock a dress. And you can rock a dress too, or a suit, or a great pair of flashy sneakers, or whatever makes you feel good and whole. I really do believe in the power of fashion. It’s not a cure either, but it helps a lot more than empty positivity.”
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